1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:03,080 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,400 [Will] To the untrained eye, 3 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,200 it may look like another day at school. 4 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,920 But actually, it was a very special week. 5 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,360 Or, in Neil's case, a very special needs week. 6 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,720 Oh, bollocks, no way is that right. 7 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,440 You all right, Neil? What are you playing? 8 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,440 Oh, behave. That's well too hard. 9 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:35,960 Brain Training? 10 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,640 Stupid thing. Why is that wrong? 11 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,360 What's it say your brain age is Neil? 12 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,040 I got it up to 12 a minute ago. 13 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,200 -[laughing] -Twelve? 12 years old? 14 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,720 Have you caught Down's syndrome or something? 15 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,000 Has it asked if Santa is real? 16 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,080 Don't listen to them, Neil. He does exist. 17 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,360 Yeah, and he's just sorted our Saturday night out 18 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,520 with the gift of gash. 19 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,160 Sexy soiree? That sounds sexy. 20 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,920 Fucking hell, is that Louise Graham? 21 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,200 She doesn't normally look like that. 22 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,680 She'd definitely get it. Right in the bumhole. 23 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,880 Lucky girl. 24 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,320 This is amazing, we have been invited to a cool party. 25 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,360 Yeah. Kind of. 26 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,960 I nicked it out of Sadie Cunningham's 27 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:09,920 bag in registration. 28 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,160 I Thought we should try and go. 29 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,880 All right, so, it's another cool party 30 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,440 we're specifically not invited to? Good job, Jay. 31 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,600 Um... isn't there something else on Saturday night, anyway? 32 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,440 -Don't think so. -It's my birthday. 33 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,000 I'm having a dinner party. 34 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,600 I sent you the invites a month ago. 35 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,800 Is that really happening? I thought it was a joke. 36 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,000 It's a joke that we've got to go to 37 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,160 a dinner party rather than a sex party. 38 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,040 Two things. One, it's not gonna be a sex party, is it? 39 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,720 It's Louise Graham we're talking about. 40 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,720 And two, even if it is you were invited to my party first. 41 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,400 Just cancel yours, Will, you can have your birthday any weekend. 42 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,560 Thanks, Neil. 43 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,920 Simon, you don't want to go to Louise Graham's, do you? 44 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,200 Me? No, God no. No. 45 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,360 Not unless you're going to cancel yours. 46 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,240 -I'm not. -Sure. Sure. 47 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,240 Oh, except my French exchange bloke is arriving today. 48 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,680 I'm meant to look after him all week. 49 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:58,920 Bring him along. 50 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,240 It'll be nice to have some sophistication at the party. 51 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,960 I don't know if he's that sophisticated. 52 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,920 Some friend of my mum's asked if we'd look after him. 53 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,440 He might be a massive twat. 54 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,080 What, he's the French version of you? 55 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,840 Don't forget you've got to bring a girl. 56 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,680 I'd like it to be a proper dinner party. 57 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,560 -Can I ask your mum? -No. 58 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,120 [Will] So, after school we went to say bonjour to Patrice. 59 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,680 What's France like then, Patrice? 60 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,080 Cool. And are the French birds dirty? 61 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,520 Quoi? 62 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,080 He doesn't get any. Look at him, he's all greasy. 63 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,480 Birds don't go for that, French or not. 64 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,640 [in French] 65 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,240 Pardon? 66 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,400 [in English] Yeah, I thought that's what you said. 67 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,960 I think you'll be okay around here. 68 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,080 -What did he say? -Do you not speak any French? 69 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320 No. I think that's why my mum was keen for him to come over, 70 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,920 to try and teach me a bit. I've picked up "Clop" so far. 71 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:50,800 What does that mean? 72 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,640 Cigarette. He smokes like a chimney. 73 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,080 Simon. You have porn? 74 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,600 Oh, for fuck's sake, I keep saying. No, I don't. 75 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,400 -Internet? -No. 76 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,080 You can't get any porn on the Internet? 77 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,880 It's not the Internet you're thinking about. 78 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,080 Are you trying to get porn on the washing machine? 79 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,800 My mum and dad have got a filter on it. I can't see any. 80 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,000 Oh, that is fucking tragic. 81 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,160 What are you, 11? 82 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,240 [in French] 83 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,920 Yeah, all right, mate. 84 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,320 -See you later, Patrice. -[Simon] He seems a bit weird. 85 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,360 He asked if I'd tried the "sleeping beauty." 86 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,280 -Oh, it's good, that. -What, you know it? 87 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,280 Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead. 88 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,240 Ten, 15 minutes is normally enough. 89 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,000 Then when you wank it feels like someone else is doing it. 90 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,720 How do you know these things? 91 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,760 Oh, everyone knows the "sleeping beauty," that's old. 92 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,160 -Is it? -Yeah, 93 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,760 my mate's brother invented it. 94 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,280 He and his mates used to be called the Dead Hand Gang. 95 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,600 They had a gang based on masturbation? 96 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,600 There's nothing gay about that! 97 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,880 Well, he's in the air force now, so, how gay is that? 98 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,320 Still quite gay. 99 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,040 [Will] So, my dinner party guest list 100 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,200 was shaping up nicely. 101 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,000 Four idiots and a racist Frenchman. 102 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,240 It's going to be tricky to get girls 103 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,760 to come to your party, I think. 104 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,640 What? 'Cause y'all forgot, it's short notice? 105 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,320 No, 'cause Louise Graham's quite popular. 106 00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,680 Most people will be at hers. 107 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,080 Please say you'll at least try and bring girls. 108 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,200 This birthday can't be as depressing as last year. 109 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,960 What, because you got that briefcase? 110 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,960 No, Neil, because my father left my mother. 111 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,240 Maybe we'll see what Carli's up to. 112 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,480 Not being seen dead with you 113 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,880 in a million years is what she's up to. 114 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,160 Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again? 115 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,440 Don't worry about me, mate. 116 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,160 I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. 117 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,160 Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along. 118 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,000 That little barmaid from the Fox and Hounds. 119 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,640 You've pulled a barmaid? Nice. 120 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,640 Has she got special dietary requirements? 121 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,320 It's just that I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before. 122 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,200 Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts. 123 00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:31,880 -My nuts. -Brilliant. 124 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,760 -Or my cock. -She only eats small portions? 125 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,480 I didn't hear your mum complaining. 126 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,000 Although her mouth was full at the time. 127 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,440 -Yup. Good one! -Just drop us off here, Si. 128 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,920 Don't you want a lift to school? 129 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,400 Yeah, this is close enough. 130 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,440 Don't want to be seen getting out of this shit heap. 131 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,000 -[Neil] No offense, mate. -See you later. 132 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,680 -Actually, I might get out too. -Fine, see you at school. 133 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,240 Do you want to get in the front, Patrice? 134 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,080 -No. -Great. 135 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,000 [Will] They say the quickest way 136 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,400 to a man's heart is through his stomach. 137 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,360 But I was hoping it would also 138 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,920 be a good way into my female guests' knickers. 139 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,360 What about a chicken casserole? 140 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,800 Why are you even asking? 141 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,600 If it was up to me we'd all have Big Macs. 142 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,160 Did you not see Super Size Me? 143 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,400 Yeah. It just made me really want a Big Mac. 144 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,480 [computer beeps] 145 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,000 Oh, Shit, Charlotte's online. 146 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,480 Have you asked her along yet? 147 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,640 No, I don't know if I should after everything. 148 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,720 Go on, it'll be great. Message her now. 149 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,240 -Really, do you think so? -Yes, it'd be cool. 150 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,040 -Just say, "Hi." -All right. 151 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,560 -[typing] -Done it. 152 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:30,960 Oh, wow, she comes right back. 153 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,080 Says, "Hi, whassup". Smiley face. Ugh. 154 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,560 -Ask her out. -No. 155 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,000 I can't just jump in, not the way things have been with us. 156 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,520 Have to charm her a bit first. 157 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,640 I've written, "Just hanging out 158 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,040 with Si and his French exchange." 159 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,440 [beeps] 160 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,680 She thinks you're handsome? 161 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,200 Oh, no. She means Patrice. Thank God. Ugh, I'm a div. 162 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,320 Hmm. Another smiley face. 163 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,800 Can't bring myself to send a smiley back, 164 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,320 but I suppose could write "LOL" if I absolutely had to. 165 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,720 Do that. 166 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,200 It's going well, mate, ask her out. 167 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,520 -It's going well, isn't it? -Definitely. 168 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,520 [typing] 169 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,440 "It's my birthday. Come for dinner?" 170 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,760 That pause isn't good. 171 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,440 Calm down, it's only been a second. 172 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,440 Although she was straight back every time before. 173 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,640 -[beeps] -Holy shit. 174 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:24,600 She's gone offline 175 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,040 rather than answer whether or not she'll come? 176 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,280 -Maybe the connection dropped? -No, it was back and forward. 177 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,120 Then a question about dinner and she's gone. 178 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,000 Brilliant, perfect, thanks a bunch! 179 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,600 Look, she didn't say "no," did she? 180 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,520 -No. But she did hang up. -So, I'm sure she'll be there. 181 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,400 Well, not sure, but you know. 182 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,120 Oh, hello, Simon. 183 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,520 -Bonjour. -Oh, my goodness, you're French. 184 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,520 Um... This is Patrice, he's my sort of French exchange. 185 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,480 Uh, Patrice, this is Will's mum. 186 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,080 Hello. 187 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,960 Well, I'm just off to play tennis. 188 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,480 [chuckles nervously] Don't know why I mentioned that. 189 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,520 Bye, then. Au revoir, Patrice. 190 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:05,880 Au revoir. 191 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,960 -Your mother is very sexy. -Sorry? 192 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,760 She has the sex. 193 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,720 He's a strange one, isn't he? 194 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,240 Yeah, but he's just French, they're all weird, aren't they? 195 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,560 Oh, God, please don't be racist. 196 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,800 That's not racist, I'm just saying he barely says anything 197 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,040 and when he does speak it's always about sex. 198 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:36,880 Just like all French people. 199 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,120 [Will] The next day was my birthday, 200 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,400 and mum was serving me up her specialty. 201 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,000 Scrambled eggs and disappointment. 202 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,320 -Happy birthday, petal. -Thanks, Mum. 203 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,120 Here's your present. It's nothing big, though. 204 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,920 I'm saving up for something special next year, 205 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,440 when you can drive. 206 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,800 Next year? I can drive this year. 207 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,480 I thought you had to be 18 to drive? 208 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,160 No, it's 17. 209 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,560 Oh, right. 210 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,160 Sorry, your father used to deal with things like that. 211 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,440 Aw, thanks, Mum. Calvin Klein. It is... 212 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,760 It's a tight vest top. 213 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,040 Don't you like the color? 214 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,480 Is this the only present you've got me? 215 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,760 What's wrong with it? 216 00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,920 When have you ever seen me wear something like that? 217 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,440 You'll look cool. All the boy bands wear them. 218 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,800 I'm not in a boy band. 219 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,200 Fine. Fine. I've got a receipt. You can exchange it. 220 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,120 I'm sorry. I've ruined your big day. 221 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,160 I got it wrong about the driving and now about this. 222 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:36,280 No. Sorry, Mum. I suppose it's not too bad. 223 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,800 You don't want me to exchange it? 224 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,120 No, I will wear it. 225 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,520 Tonight? 226 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,320 Oh, um... 227 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,480 Not tonight. 228 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,720 You hate it. Oh, God, I'll change it. 229 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,840 No, fine. I'll definitely wear it tonight. 230 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,760 Patrice spends an awfully long time in the shower, doesn't he? 231 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,000 Yeah, about him. 232 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,800 Since it's Will's birthday tonight, 233 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,200 do you think you could look after Patrice? 234 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,920 No, you're meant to be learning from him, Simon. 235 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,680 Anyway we're going out. 236 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:06,800 Can't you take him with you? 237 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,520 It's a special night out for us. 238 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,000 We don't really need a 17-year-old 239 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,280 French boy tagging along. 240 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,480 Things haven't got that bad in the bedroom yet! 241 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:14,960 Jesus Christ. 242 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,400 Besides, he'll have much more fun with you and the boys. 243 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,360 He doesn't. He just sits around 244 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,400 rolling cigarettes and shrugging. 245 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,360 Must be useful having a handsome Frenchman 246 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,600 in tow to meeting the ladies. 247 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,080 He's not handsome. 248 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,280 -Patrice is handsome. -Aye-aye! I'd better watch it! 249 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,680 Looks like your mother is lining up a toy boy! 250 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,120 Oh, God. 251 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,680 -Chance would be a fine thing. -Not you too. 252 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,680 Just remember, gorgeous. 253 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,880 What I lack in energy, I make up for in experience. 254 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,480 -[Alan grunting] -[Pamela giggling] 255 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,680 Oh, God, you two are disgusting. 256 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,920 Come on, you used to look up much worse on the Internet. 257 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:50,800 [Will] Elsewhere on the Internet, 258 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:51,720 the dead hand gang 259 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,600 was enrolling its latest recruit. 260 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,440 [pornographic noises on computer] 261 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,880 [Mrs. Cartwright] Jay, Neil's here for ya. 262 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,720 What? He's early. Don't come in, I'm getting changed. 263 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,800 -Are you okay? -It's just a film. 264 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,480 It's just a normal film. I'm getting changed. Get out. 265 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,360 [pornographic noises continue] 266 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,960 What film's that, then? 267 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,200 Oh, right. 268 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,920 [Will] So, whilst I was making my final preparations, 269 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,160 including putting on shit music girls would like, 270 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,560 Patrice had been busy too. 271 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:29,920 I just had a really nice tug thinking about your mother. 272 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,320 I think some went on the floor. Sorry. 273 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,520 Great, thanks, Patrice. 274 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,000 [doorbell rings] 275 00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,520 I'll get it. It could be Charlotte. 276 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,080 Well, it's not going to be Charlotte. 277 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,400 Cheer up, it might be. She's got the details, 278 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,680 you said so yourself. 279 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,760 All right, gays. 280 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,720 [Will] Oh. Happy birthday to me. 281 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,000 It was 8:30 p.m. on my 17th birthday, 282 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,800 and my party was in full swing. 283 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,520 [quiet music playing] 284 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,240 Where's your plus one then, Jay? 285 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,720 Not coming. She got a modeling job, had to fly to Paris. 286 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,440 Barmaid by day, supermodel by night. Sounds likely. 287 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,560 Where's Little Miss Stuck-up Cock-tease then? 288 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,600 -Do you mean Carli? -Yep. 289 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,720 Yeah, I don't think Carli will make it. 290 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,800 -Why not? Is something up? -No, it's nothing like that. 291 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760 I just sort of didn't invite her in the end. 292 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,520 You really are a bollockless little twat, aren't you? 293 00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,280 So, there are going to be no women here then? 294 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,680 None at all? I don't know why I bother. 295 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,520 Well, I wouldn't say there will be no women. 296 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,640 Yeah, not no women! 297 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,560 So, there are some women coming? 298 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,520 Maybe, maybe not. 299 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,840 Look, it's very clear from your smirking faces and tone of voice 300 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,120 that actually there are some women coming. 301 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,760 We got you a special birthday treat. 302 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,640 -Did you? -Stripper! 303 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:44,360 What? 304 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,680 Have you really booked a stripper? 305 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,800 Yeah, she was only a 150 quid. 306 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,080 How did you manage to pay for that? 307 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,400 We haven't. We'll just have a whip-round when she gets here. 308 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,040 A whip-round? Round who? The five of us? 309 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,560 We don't have 30 quid each! 310 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,680 No, if we all put in... Wait... 311 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:03,680 Oh, shit, yeah. 312 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,560 Brilliant. So just to confirm, 313 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,640 until an angry stripper turns up, 314 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,640 we are without any female company? 315 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,600 Thanks, guys, this is a great birthday. 316 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,360 If you're going to cry about it, 317 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,800 I'll go and get some of local snatch in. 318 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,760 What about them birds we passed outside? 319 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,000 -Yeah, they were all right. -Oh, yes, please, 320 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,280 drag some random girls off the street for me! 321 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,600 Or we could go to Louise Graham's party? 322 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,640 Yeah, why aren't we there? 323 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,240 It's got to be better than this shithole. 324 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,960 Thanks very much. More wine? 325 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,400 Oh, I bet it's crawling with clunge. 326 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,400 And I bet it's not! 327 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,560 Yeah, and you'd know? 328 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,280 Look, I've put lots of effort into this. 329 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,920 I made a really nice coq au vin. 330 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:37,800 Cock of what? 331 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,360 [sighs in exasperation] You don't help yourself, do you? 332 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,760 Oh, yes, I see. "Coq au vin," very mature. 333 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,760 It means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice? 334 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,120 Quoi? 335 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,240 Well, it does. And it doesn't mean cock up my arse, 336 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,920 or cock on my head, or... 337 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,680 You got some cock in the back of a van? 338 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,200 Or that I got a cock in the back of a van. 339 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,600 Look, all I wanted was a civilized 340 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,080 and sophisticated birthday. 341 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,800 Just something a bit different from the usual parties, 342 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,520 maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by. 343 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,480 Okay, so there aren't any girls here, 344 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,000 but why don't we at least attempt 345 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,600 to have a sophisticated conversation? 346 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:12,920 I know it's a tall order, 347 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,640 and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go 348 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,880 as it is my fucking birthday! 349 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,000 How much Lego can you stuff up your bum? 350 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,760 Oh, for Christ's sake! 351 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,560 Not now, just when you was younger. 352 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,640 How much could you get up there? 353 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:31,800 You are grim, mate. 354 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,840 Why were you sticking Lego up your bum? 355 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,040 Not a lot, just like a rectangular one and a long one. 356 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,200 Couple of singles, maybe. 357 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,120 Fine, let's see if those girls outside 358 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,280 want to come join us then. 359 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,200 -Yes! -Yes! 360 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,680 Are you sure, mate? I thought you wanted this to be special? 361 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,120 Why fight it? Charlotte's not coming, is she? 362 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,240 And a skillful raconteur like Neil is wasted on just us. 363 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,120 Nice one. Now I get a proper three-course meal, 364 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,920 blowie, shag and anal. 365 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,720 [Will] So we headed into the night, 366 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,440 and found Jay's three courses sitting on a fence. 367 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,960 -Allo, allo. Here they are. -[Neil] Nice. 368 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,440 They look a bit rough. 369 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,120 Are they drinking in the street? 370 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,520 Dirty. 371 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,880 Not quite the sophisticates 372 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,840 I had in mind, but at least they're female. 373 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,360 -You going over then, Jay? -No, Si should. 374 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,800 -What? Why me? -Alphabetical. 375 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,600 You got a bent look that girls go for. 376 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,920 Fine, if you're going to be rude, you go then. 377 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:23,800 Sorry for being rude. 378 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,600 Just go, Si, it's freezing out here. 379 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,000 Come on, Si. For me, yeah? For my birthday? 380 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,480 God, all right then. 381 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,640 -Hi, there. -What did you fucking say? 382 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,960 -Um, hello. -And what? 383 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,600 Um... I wanted to ask you to a party? 384 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:42,880 I'm 13. 385 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,880 -Oh, right. -And she's 11, you nonce. 386 00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,160 Yep, well, there's been a mistake, so... 387 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:49,480 Like looking at little girls, do ya? 388 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,080 Like to get 'em to go to parties 389 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,560 with y'all where you can touch 'em, do ya? 390 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,960 No, God, no. Look, I'm going now. 391 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,000 [girl] Pedo! 392 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,080 -You fucking pedo! -Yeah, run, you pedo. 393 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,440 Fucking hell, don't do that, Patrice. 394 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,440 Pedo! 395 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:02,680 I'll get my fucking brother on you. 396 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,880 -That's it, run away, pedo boy. -Keep going, pedo! 397 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,920 Keep walking, you fucking pedo! 398 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,200 -Nice one, Si. -Me? 399 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,080 It was fucking Patrice who wound them up. 400 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,560 But, you tried to nonce them up. 401 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,960 Right, I'm not in the mood for this, just warning you. 402 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,120 "Watch out, Uncle Simon might 403 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,760 try and give me a special cuddle." 404 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,920 [Will] Oh, fuck. 405 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,600 -What's for pudding, Will? -A middle aged woman 406 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,280 demanding a 150 quid. 407 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,120 Oh, shit. What are we going to do? 408 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,680 I think we should go-- 409 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,440 Yes, fine, I give up. Let's try to get in to Louise Graham's. 410 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,280 -What about your dinner party? -Forget it. 411 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,760 You can lead a horse to water, 412 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,720 but can't stop it sticking Lego up its bum. 413 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,880 For Christ's sake, Patrice, don't do that! 414 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,320 -[urine splashing] -God, Si, he's a nightmare! 415 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,160 We can't have him scare all the muff 416 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,960 away at the party, let's ditch him. 417 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,560 I'm supposed looking after him, 418 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,440 I can't leave him stranded in a strange country. 419 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,080 He comes from a strange country. 420 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,960 Si, for once, Jay is right. Patrice is weird and boring. 421 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,400 Do you really think girls will be impressed 422 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,160 when we turn up with that? 423 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,720 -[urine continues splashing] -Probably not. 424 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,280 Come on, let's just leg it while his back is turned. 425 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,520 -It's now or never, Si. -Okay, fuck it, come on, then. 426 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,080 [Will] So we ran away. Yup, ran away. 427 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,560 Something I hadn't done since John Cook 428 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,440 discovered wedgies in Year 8. 429 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,840 I've got a stitch. 430 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,960 All right, that should be enough. 431 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,920 -He's behind us! -No way! 432 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:19,920 Run! 433 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,240 He's chasing us! 434 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,000 Fucking hell, he doesn't give up easily, does he? 435 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,320 What does he think is happening? 436 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,160 -I think he's caught us up. -Yeah, good spot, Neil. 437 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480 -Simon, why we run? -Uh, yeah, don't know. 438 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,120 -You don't know? -Yeah. 439 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,760 -So, we stop? -Yeah. 440 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,000 Probably a good idea. 441 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,720 Shall we go to that party then? 442 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,760 [Will] So, after trying and failing 443 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,440 to outrun a boy in Cuban heels, 444 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,400 we headed for Louise Graham's party, 445 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,920 which we definitely wouldn't get into. 446 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,800 Who's going to ask if we can come in? Will? 447 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,040 I don't even know her. 448 00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,320 I once stuck chewing gum in her hair 449 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,280 when we were Year 8. 450 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,160 Great. Anyone else fucked her off in her life? 451 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,040 Out the way, you quick shit shitters, I'll sort this. 452 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,600 [doorbell rings] 453 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,520 [door opening] 454 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,280 -Yeah? -Hello, Louise. 455 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,880 We haven't been introduced. I'm Will. 456 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960 You can't come in, there's too many here already. 457 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,400 Look, we'll be no trouble, I promise. 458 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,320 I mean, look at us. 459 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,160 One of you can come in. 460 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,520 One, five, there's hardly any difference, 461 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,560 perhaps we can negotiate. 462 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,240 Him, he can come in. 463 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,520 Ah, right, well the thing is, 464 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,720 Simon will have to come in too then. 465 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,640 Because he's supposed to be looking after-- 466 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,760 Great. 467 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,440 So, we can add Patrice to the growing 468 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,360 list of people more popular than us. 469 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,920 Fucking John's in there! And he's with a girl! 470 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,280 -He's got his hand on her tit! -[Jay] This is too tragic. 471 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,480 -Charlotte Big Jugs is in there. -Where? 472 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,920 Oh, right. Looks like it's time for Plan B. 473 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,080 Oh, right, there's a Plan B, is there? 474 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,280 It's just plan A was so brilliantly devised, 475 00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,080 I wouldn't have thought we'd need a Plan B! 476 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,960 What is it? Climb over her fence? 477 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,240 It's a bit higher than I imagined. 478 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,920 Don't shit yourself. It's only a fence, it won't bite. 479 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,080 Yes, Jay, except I'm not worried about it biting me, 480 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,160 I'm worried about falling off and breaking my neck. 481 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,240 Come on, it'd be a laugh, climbing and that. 482 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,000 Will it? There must be another way. 483 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,680 It's full of clunge. Give us a push, Neil. 484 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,360 I'm just not made for climbing. 485 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000 Maybe one of these panels is loose. 486 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,400 There's a gap here! 487 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,040 [Simon] Come on, Will. Hurry up! 488 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,200 Oh, please, no! 489 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,800 Why has he always got to be different 490 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,240 Just fucking hurry up, you twat, everyone's looking. 491 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,680 What's going on? 492 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,240 Oh, hi, Louis. 493 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:45,680 As I was said earlier, it's quite 494 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,920 important we look after Patrice. 495 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,360 Have you just crawled through my dog's shit? 496 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,360 Yes, Louis, I have. But ask yourself why. 497 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,520 The fact that you've excluded us from this party 498 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,920 because of some vague rules about popularity is ridiculous. 499 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,320 And although, it may look like we've climbed over a fence 500 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,000 and crawled through dog shit, in fact, 501 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,160 what we've done is challenged your social apartheid. 502 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,200 You weren't invited 'cause I don't know you well. 503 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,280 That makes sense too I suppose. 504 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,240 God, if you're that desperate to come in, then you can stay. 505 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,600 But take that jacket off before you go inside. 506 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,480 Sweet, nice one! 507 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,080 She's right about the jacket though, it stinks. 508 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,400 Oh, mate, that is rank. It's all up your sleeve, look. 509 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,680 Oh, Christ! 510 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,440 What the fuck is that? 511 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,440 Oh, my God. 512 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,200 It was a present from my mum, all right? 513 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,360 And you've worn it. 514 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,840 She been getting gift ideas from Neil's old man? 515 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:34,920 My dad's not bent. 516 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,880 Honestly, that is not a good look for you, mate. 517 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,440 Well, we just gate-crashed a party 518 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:39,520 that big John was invited to. 519 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,080 So, none of us are winning the cool prize at the moment. 520 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,880 Yeah, but you are losing by a mile. 521 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,360 Yeah, but not for long. I'm going to find Charlotte. 522 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,360 She'll be upstairs getting fucked, most likely. 523 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,520 Neil, I've told you she's not like that! 524 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,440 I'll check upstairs first, though. 525 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,600 [Will] The best thing about it being your birthday is that 526 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,400 everyone has to do exactly what you want. 527 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,800 And with this thought and a slightly dirty one in mind, 528 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,240 -I went to find Charlotte. -[boy laughing] Nice T-shirt! 529 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,680 -Yeah, good look, briefcase. -Thanks. 530 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,880 -Someone's stolen your sleeves. -Yup, nice one. 531 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,280 All right, where's the rest of Take That? 532 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,360 Retro, but a good one. 533 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,080 Let me go first, you know I'm desperate. 534 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,240 -[chuckles] Unlucky. -Oh, don't be a cock! 535 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,120 [laughs] 536 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,280 Oh, no, don't. Seriously, come on, I'm bursting! 537 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,920 Look, come on! 538 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,640 Oh, hi, Jay, are you queuing? 539 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,200 Yeah, I think I might piss my pants any minute. 540 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,160 Oh. 541 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,960 Won't be too long, been in there a while. 542 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,440 Oh, right. 543 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,800 So, didn't know your lot were friends with Louise. 544 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,560 No, we're not. No, we climbed the fence. It's cool. 545 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,640 -Right. -[door opens] 546 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,720 -Oh, Carli, hi. -Hi, Simon, how are you? 547 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,280 Good, yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty awesome. 548 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,480 Jesus Christ, Simon, what the fuck have you done in there? 549 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,760 -What? -Ugh! 550 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,120 Have you been eating cat food again? 551 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,920 Oh, God, you've left skids down the bowl too. 552 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,880 Carli, I didn't. I only went in for a piss. 553 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,680 Oh, God, I can taste it. 554 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,880 -Jay! -I might go upstairs. 555 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,280 No, don't. It was a wee. It was only a wee! 556 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,080 I promise I didn't leave skids! 557 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,160 It doesn't smell at all, you fucker, 558 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,880 it was a wee. Why did you do that? 559 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:19,920 Funny. 560 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,840 [Will] Okay, so things weren't going exactly to plan. 561 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,600 But if I could just find Charlotte, 562 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,680 I was confident it would still be a birthday to remember. 563 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,600 -Charlotte?-And I was right. 564 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,360 Oh, hi, Charlotte, there you are. 565 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,640 Will. Um, could you go away? 566 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,920 Time out, fella. You're not alone now. 567 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,760 Oh, Patrice. 568 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,120 -Salut. -Salut. 569 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,120 Um, are you two... 570 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,560 Seriously, Will, what are you doing? 571 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,600 I thought maybe we could hang out a bit. 572 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,200 Not right now, maybe. 573 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,880 Will, I don't know why you're doing this. 574 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,000 And what are you wearing? 575 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,800 I've got a bottle of champagne at home, 576 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,400 and I remembered when we first met we had champagne, 577 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,920 and as it's my birthday today, 578 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,080 I thought maybe we could-- Is he touching you, now? 579 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,320 Look, maybe we'll have a drink later. 580 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,320 Yeah, later, of course. 581 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,080 Oh, Will? Could you turn the light off? 582 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,600 No, leave on. 583 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,000 Okay. 584 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,920 -[door closes] -[Will] Great. 585 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,600 And I'd rather hoped the singlet 586 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,360 would be the worst birthday surprise. 587 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,520 Meanwhile, my mates were making the most 588 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,040 of finally getting into a cool party, 589 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,600 by standing in a corridor, not talking to anyone. 590 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,480 All right? Did you find Charlotte? 591 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,280 Um, yeah. Yeah, I did. 592 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,680 Where is she then? 593 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,320 She's upstairs being fucked by Patrice. 594 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,280 Knew it. 595 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,360 Ohh, unlucky. 596 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,320 Can you make him stop, please, Simon? 597 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,880 As a birthday present? 598 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,120 Um, not really. Sorry, that's just too weird. 599 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,480 Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. Shall we go then? 600 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,600 Oh, hi, Mark, I'm just off, 601 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:51,920 but if you were looking for Charlotte, 602 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,040 -I think she's upstairs. -Fuck off, you prick. 603 00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:56,160 Have a fun night! 604 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,160 [Will] So, ironically, 605 00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,320 it was Donovan who gave me the best gift this year, 606 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,120 a savagely beaten French kid. 607 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,120 -What if Donovan kills him? -Good. 608 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,200 Mum will go mental if Patrice is hurt, though. 609 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,200 What will she do, get you a shitter car? 610 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,080 Fair point. 611 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,560 Fuck him, all right? You'll never see him again. So what? 612 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,600 I think I'm meant to stay at his at half term. 613 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,200 -Do you want to go to France? -Not really. 614 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,480 Shut up then. What about me? 615 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,800 It's my birthday and I saw 616 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,280 Patrice trying to mount Charlotte! 617 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,160 The fucking baguette-eating dickhead frog. 618 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:24,280 -That's a bit racist. -He's made me racist. 619 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,320 -Did you get to see her boobies? -No, Neil. 620 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,080 Funnily enough through my tear-filled eyes, 621 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,160 I couldn't see any tits. 622 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,880 Bad luck. 623 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,480 Oh, God, what if my birthdays 624 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,120 just get worse and worse from now on? 625 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,320 -What will happen next year? -You get AIDS? 626 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,640 -I'd have to have sex for that. -Or fuck a monkey. 627 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,200 Technically that still counts as sex. 628 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,560 Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad. 629 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,280 My dad does not have AIDS. 630 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,440 Your dad is so AIDS, 631 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,040 he's the one who gave it to monkeys. 632 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:48,920 Take that back. 633 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,480 That's what the monkeys said to him. 634 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:51,840 Come on, mate, let's get back to yours. 635 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,520 I'll let you beat me at Pro Evo. 636 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,120 Yeah, actually, I can beat you anyway. 637 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,240 Well, we'll see, won't we? 638 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,080 That's them. Fucking pedos! 639 00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,280 -Run! -Again? 640 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:00,440 Oh, good! 641 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,600 -Pedo! -Split up, he can't get us all! 642 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,240 He got a fucking cricket bat! 643 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,080 Neil, go away! 644 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,000 This is the tin hat. Worst birthday ever! 645 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,440 [Will] So, my birthday, 646 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:10,680 or dog-shit- singlet-heartbreak day, 647 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,480 as I've come to think of it, was over. 648 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,640 And it's fair to say it hadn't been the best. 649 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,960 But I had learned one important life lesson. 650 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,560 If you go around to Neil's, don't play with his Lego.